Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Choosing a future...

Why is it that choosing a career, or even, choosing in which direction to take your life such a bloody scary prospect?

Why is it that the freedom to choose, when we accept it, leaves us dumbfounded at the possibilities, so much so that we can find ourselves retreating back into our 'comfortable' shell of an existence that we have been dying to escape from for so long!

The 'Jonah Complex' comes to mind, or should I say came to mind, when I was actually looking for a similar type of quote by Winston Churchill in one of my books, 'The Elephant and the Twig' by Geoff Thompson... anyhow, to quote Abraham Maslow from said book,
"We are generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse in our most perfect moments, under the most perfect conditions, under conditions of great courage. We enjoy and even thrill to the godlike possibilities we see in ourselves in such peak moments. And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe and fear before these very same possibilities"
I found some old school reports out today, dating back to junior and senior school... there was one distinct line than ran ALL the way through 9 years of teacher reportage on moi... Which was, needs to be more mature in approach, needs to concentrate more, has lots of potential, All A's next year Craig! etc... etc...

The shame is I never did get all A's, not that that is a problem in itself, but I looked back on my academic life... and got really f***ing depressed, and probably the reason it hit quite hard was that I can still feel that indolent gene ticking within me... I went for a walk to calm me down a little...

To compound this temporary depression (I know, get the violins out! Indulgent swine!), I decided to kick my own butt some more as the truth came galloping over the horizon of my mind and back up the trail of my non-achievements that have been left strewn over the years. From The (Uncompleted) Duke of Edinburgh Award when I was a kid, to an ONC & HNC in Polymer Science after I left school, to a(nother similarly uncompleted) Degree in Business Information Systems about 8 years ago... though again, these things are not a problem, I have been through some shit, both through and since those times, so we can say that it was all grist-to-the-mill in the growth process.

BUT, My problem is that I WANT my future NOW! (Like that? :) ) Seriously, I WANT a FUTURE, I DESERVE one! But who says? And that is the point isn't it... I've gotta choose my direction, choose my future, be mature, work hard and make it happen! But at the moment, the prognosis doesn't look good, I change my mind like the wind, and motivation usually disappears when things start to culminate (possibly sub-conscious sabotaging, but non-the-less that doesn't help). Don't get me wrong, I have my Yoga, which is great, and I am training to become a Yoga Teacher, but this alone, at least at the moment, is not enough! I am frustrated that my potential is not being realised, but I know that it is me who has to realise it!