Natural Undulations

Well, I've been back in England for 3 weeks now... My India experience has been tremendous... In so many ways, one being that distance from your old 'stomping ground' really does allow you to see things from a different perspective... Neuroses go with you to of course, but even that is an experience, or I would even say refreshing. And (do people still think starting a sentence with 'And' is bad form in this time of 'grrl' being acceptable for use when playing Scrabble?) certain negative assumptions that you may of held about yourself can get annihilated when in different environments, when meeting totally different people from different backgrounds and cultures... If you are struggling to break old patterns, I would definitely advise you to go on a journey! Hell, just being in a place where you can't attach yourself to the tramlines of your 'preordained', 'preprogrammed' existence is liberating!

My travels have probably helped me to be a little easier on myself too! (Always nice when that happens, right?) But, Yeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!  In that, amongst other realisations, I have finally absorbed into my conciousness that we have natural undulations in our mood(s) [is it mood or moods? Ha], and it is so liberating to understand that; to understand that in the very core of your being! Though, I will admit, I still forget from time to time, that 'You are not your mood!' It's so easy to attach yourself to your present state of mind isn't it!?

So, 'Natural Undulations'... Wow! People... Go Travel!

PS. The above photo is actually Nepal (an unscheduled and pleasing addition to the journey! )

India

Well, I thought I should share my news... I am going to India at the start of January 2011...

I am going for 3 months, unless anything changes, but, flight and visa booked and in-hand... I wonder what it will be like?! :)

Time for some meditation...

But, while I am on...

I wish I could LOVE more!!!

I can love when I am in need,
I can love when it is given,
But, I really do struggle,
To give when not asked...
Maybe one day,
I will be able to rekindle,
My connection with Life,
And to give people a handle,
To connect straight to me,
And not through the barbed wire,
That covers my heart...

One day maybe ay :)

Choosing a future...

Why is it that choosing a career, or even, choosing in which direction to take your life such a bloody scary prospect?

Why is it that the freedom to choose, when we accept it, leaves us dumbfounded at the possibilities, so much so that we can find ourselves retreating back into our 'comfortable' shell of an existence that we have been dying to escape from for so long!

The 'Jonah Complex' comes to mind, or should I say came to mind, when I was actually looking for a similar type of quote by Winston Churchill in one of my books, 'The Elephant and the Twig' by Geoff Thompson... anyhow, to quote Abraham Maslow from said book,

"We are generally afraid to become that which we can glimpse in our most perfect moments, under the most perfect conditions, under conditions of great courage. We enjoy and even thrill to the godlike possibilities we see in ourselves in such peak moments. And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe and fear before these very same possibilities"

I found some old school reports out today, dating back to junior and senior school... there was one distinct line than ran ALL the way through 9 years of teacher reportage on moi... Which was, needs to be more mature in approach, needs to concentrate more, has lots of potential, All A's next year Craig! etc... etc...

The shame is I never did get all A's, not that that is a problem in itself, but I looked back on my academic life... and got really f***ing depressed, and probably the reason it hit quite hard was that I can still feel that indolent gene ticking within me... I went for a walk to calm me down a little...

To compound this temporary depression (I know, get the violins out! Indulgent swine!), I decided to kick my own butt some more as the truth came galloping over the horizon of my mind and back up the trail of my non-achievements that have been left strewn over the years. From The (Uncompleted) Duke of Edinburgh Award when I was a kid, to an ONC & HNC in Polymer Science after I left school, to a(nother similarly uncompleted) Degree in Business Information Systems about 8 years ago... though again, these things are not a problem, I have been through some shit, both through and since those times, so we can say that it was all grist-to-the-mill in the growth process.

BUT, My problem is that I WANT my future NOW! (Like that? :) ) Seriously, I WANT a FUTURE, I DESERVE one! But who says? And that is the point isn't it... I've gotta choose my direction, choose my future, be mature, work hard and make it happen! But at the moment, the prognosis doesn't look good, I change my mind like the wind, and motivation usually disappears when things start to culminate (possibly sub-conscious sabotaging, but non-the-less that doesn't help). Don't get me wrong, I have my Yoga, which is great, and I am training to become a Yoga Teacher, but this alone, at least at the moment, is not enough! I am frustrated that my potential is not being realised, but I know that it is me who has to realise it!

Read this link... Check this site... Recommended Reading if you're into Life!

Hi Everyone,

I've never actually posted before just to recommend another blog/website or post... BUT, I just had too...

I'd recommend to ANYBODY to read Why it's Okay not to be nice...for a very comforting and sensible piece on life and dealing with humans! :)

I actually got there via blog Yoga for Cynics which I quite like...


Peace :)

Not A Poem

What have I done today?
Worried about the fact that I am unhappy,
Rather than just be... Unhappy,
Worried about the Future,
Rather than enjoy today or...
Wondered if I will ever get 'THERE',
Rather than just live from moment-to-moment.

A friend said to me last weekend that she had spent the last year, or so, not doing much, living on redundancy money and generally bumming around, worrying about getting her business more advertised and marketed, and then said, "You know I could have just taken the money I have spent and gone travelling¹, not tortured myself about my predicament and still been in a similar place²"

Obviously, everything is easy in hindsight, but what is it that stops us from being all that we can be?

I could apply the same question to my day, today, I could have just 'lived in the moment'... but then, surely that was what I was doing ay? Just that I worried about the future in that moment, about the past and about the fact that I was unhappy in those moments... Hmmm... Doesn't sound like living in the moment to me though...

BUT, as I am writing this, I FEEL ALIVE and I would defy anybody to say that I AM NOT living in the moment... So I will add this post, as is (maybe to be edited later - but that will still be living in the moment surely, even though thinking about that moment didn't feel like it! ;) ) and watch a film... have another tea!

(((Night all)))

¹details to be checked with said friend, and then edited if required
²really gotta check that bit, I feel like I've just ad-libbed an entire sentence

Be Kind

I have been my own worst enemy,
A torturer, relentless and cold,
Feelings of self-loathing and hatred,
Have rattled around in my soul.

Why do I still make bad decisions?
A question I was going to ask...
But then I realise the futility,
Ahh... Just leave it all there in the past.

For Today is where it is at,
Not Tomorrow or Yesterday gone,
If you sit and realise so quietly,
You'll see that you've already won.